When I did the therapy thing, one of the things I talked about with my shrink was the fact that it is really, really hard for me to depend on other people for help. After going through the whole "it makes me feel inadequate" thing (which it does, but that's another story), the root reason is that I learned early on that I can't depend on other people. Whenever I'd ask a teacher for help with something, they would always put me off to help other people, and they would never quite make it back to me. When I tried to get my 8th grade math teacher to help me with Algebra, she declared that if I was smart enough to go to the gifted program one day a week, I was smart enough to figure things out on my own. In high school, my "friends" really just used me for their own purposes, and ignored me at other times. All those experiences, when accumulated, just made me think that I wasn't allowed to depend on other people, and when I tried to, I'd be hurt.

Today, a co-worker was supposed to give me a ride to work. She told me on Friday that she would pick me up at 9:45. I went outside and was waiting for her at 9:50. I waited in all the construction dust for a good 20 minutes before I went back into the apartment. I checked my messages, and she left me a message at 10:02, apologizing for telling me the wrong time, because she really meant 10:15. So I waited until 10:28 (down here, "on time" is just a figure of speech) and went back outside. I sat on the steps waiting for another 20 minutes, until I gave up and went back inside. There was another message, which she left at 10:30, saying "well, I guess you got a ride with someone else, so I'm heading in. Call me if you need to." Well, I called her and left her a message saying that I would just take the floating holiday I have from Labor Day today. She called me back about 15 minutes later (about 11:10) saying that she didn't want me to waste the holiday, and she'd come get me. She said she was leaving in 2 minutes.

So I went and took my trash out, and went back to sit on the steps to wait. It was 25 minutes until she got there. Even in heavy traffic, it shouldn't take 25 minutes. In fact, coming back only took 10. I didn't get here until noon.

Now granted, it is a very slow day. But it just frustrates me when people show that little consideration. If I know someone is coming for me, I will be outside waiting for them, so they don't have to wait for me. If I am picking someone up, I am on time, even if it isn't convenient for me.

This is why I hate depending on other people. I didn't even get to have a cup of tea this morning because I was thought I was running late. And now my mouth tastes like dirt and I'm probably going to be coughing up construction dust for the next year.

Today sucks.

Oh, I'll write about my car later on.