All I Want for Christmas - In My Dreams Edition

1. World Peace. A perennial "In My Dreams" entry due to the fact that an awful lot of people are just plain mean.

3. A Big Brother. Impossible without a strange rip in the space/time continuum.

2. A Puppy. Won't happen because of A) My lease. B) My allergies. C) The fact that I am never home.

And yes, I am numerically challenged.

100 Things Meme

These have been popping up all over blogdom lately, so I guess it's my turn.

1. I'm an only child
2. If my parents' first child had lived, and if my mom hadn't miscarried twice, I would have been third of four.
3. My dad was one of eight, and my mom was one of 3, and I am the only only child in the bunch.
4. I have second cousins who are older than me (all of the second cousins on my mom's side (except for one) and two on my dad's )
5. The first book I sort of remember being read to from was a big, huge Sesame Street book with lots of stories and activities.
6. I can only remember my dad reading to me once. My grandmother (Mum's mum) was in the hospital and my dad took me to the library across the park to entertain me (I was four or five). I don't remember the book, except that it had a boat in it, but I do remember the librarian shushing my dad. He got a little too into doing voices for the various characters.
7. The first book I read myself was the Sesame Street Cooperation book. My dad bought it for me at Revco, again to entertain me when my grandmother was in the hospital. I was sitting on the floor of the backseat of our Buick (one of my favorite places) and I started to read. Mum thought Daddy read the book to me in the store and I memorized it (something I was well-known for, apparently), but he hadn't.
8. I learned what a skate key was from that book.
9. Despite the fact that I love reading and writing, English and Language Arts were never my favorite subjects in school.
10. I majored in English anyway.
11. When I was very young, I believed that every church was literally God's House (something Catholic parents regularly teach their children - minus the literally part). Every time we'd pass a church with a man sitting on the steps, I declared that it was Jesus sitting on the porch of his Daddy's house.
12. Sometimes I wish I had never outgrown that belief.
13. I went through a period when I was around 7 or 8 when I wanted to change my name to Linda. I thought that was the most glamorous name in the world.
14. I had an imaginary friend named Eddie when I was little. He looked like a worm and lived in the walls of my room. At night, he and his little worm friends would put on puppet shows for me before I went to sleep.
15. Yeah, I had a vivid imagination.
16. I used to eat butter right off the butter dish.
17. I would then follow it by drinking lemon juice right out of the squeezy lemon in the refrigerator.
18. I never learned to ride a bike.
19. I did, however, learn to roller skate, and I used to be able to roller skate backwards.
20. I can't anymore.
21. I had a mammogram at the age of 11 because I got hit in the chest with a line drive playing softball and my whole breast turned black and blue.
22. It was horribly painful.
23. My coach didn't want to let me come out of the game. He was a...well, insert the epithet of your choice here.
24. I stopped playing softball because of the way he treated me that season. I realize now that it was emotional abuse. I should have realized then because my dad, who came from the, "you finish whatever you start" school of parenting told me I could quit the team if I wanted.
25. I didn't.
26. If you haven't guessed, I come from a long line of doormats.
27. I wish I had been raised to be more assertive.
28. I seriously considered killing myself when I was in eighth grade.
29. I've never told anyone that before, not even my Mum.
30. I have a tendency to be more emotionally honest and open in writing, even if someone I know is reading it.
31. I'm afraid of silence.
32. I'm even more afraid of dark silence.
33. I at peanut butter sandwiches for lunch every day for two straight years in sixth and seventh grade.
34. I haven't eaten one since.
35. I guess there is such a thng as too much of a good thing.
36. My first dog, Muffy, ran away the summer before first grade. We think the mailman left the front gate open, but even if he did, it was weird for Muffy, who was the best dog ever, to leave the yard.
37. We had to give our last dog, Harvey, away. My dad got her when I went away to college, but I came home to discover that I had developed an allergy to dogs that was almost as bad as my allergy to cats.
38. My dad loved that dog. I always wondered if giving him up hastened his illness and death.
39. I still feel vaguely guilty about that.
40. I'm attracted to baseball catchers and hockey goalies. I think I have a thing for masks.
41. In fact, I harbored secret fantasies that Mike Lavallier would leave his wife and fall madly in love with me.
42. Guess that isn't such a secret fantasy anymore.
43. The first time I opened a Bible I was six and my mom showed me hers.
44. The next time I opened a Bible was seventh grade. We had one class on the Bible, in between learning about the seven deadly sins and how God loves us but we are going to hell anyway.
45. The next time was Confirmation class in ninth grade. I had to write a one page summary of the book of Isaiah
46. The next time was my sophomore year of college, when I learned that it was impossible to write a one page summary of Isaiah because there were at least two and possibly three distinct writers of Isaiah.
47. Amazingly, Isaiah is my second favorite book in the Old Testament, despite that experience.
48. My favorite Old Testament book, and in fact my favorite book in the Bible is Jeremiah, because he had the guts to yell at God, and despite the fact that he thought God and pretty much screwed him, he followed through with his calling and he never really lost faith.
49. I sometimes wonder what would happen if I went back to St. Al's CCC for Mass some weekend. I have visions of being escorted out of the church.
50. I have a secret desire to dye my hair some outlandish color.
51. Guess that isn't so secret aymore, either.
52. I broke the same bone in my foot two different times in five different places. The bone is all of about two inches long.
53. The first time, I was practicing the Mexican hat dance ion the doorway of our living room for our Girl Scout troop's performance in the council's international festival so I wouldn't bother my dad while he watched the news. I walked on it for a week before the pain got to be so bad I couldn't stand it. I was in a cast and on crutches for 10 weeks.
54. The second time I was walking down the steps of the mens' wing in the Kirk House the day we came back from Thanksgiving break my sophomore year of college. I had gone upstairs to see the quasi-obscene pictures one of my housemates had drawn on the chalkboard up there, and as I was walking down the stairs, I suddenly found myself at the bottom of the steps on the floor. I still don't know how that happened. I waited a week before I went to student health, because I was afraid I didn't have health insurance, and I wasn't sure what would happen if I had to see a specialist or go to the hospital.
55. Well, that and my fear of health care providers.
56. I avoid going to the gynecologist because everytime I find one I like, she leaves the practice. Then the whole crappy cycle has to start over again.
57. Plus, I'm scared to death that a doctor is going to find something seriously wrong with me when I go in for something routine.
58. And if they don't, I feel like I'm wasting their time.
59. Did I ever mention that I started my college career as a pre-med major?
60. I used to be afraid of Santa Claus.
61. In fact, in every picture we have of me sitting on Santa's lap, I'm sobbing like mad.
62. I was so afraid, that I ran away from him at Allegheny Center Mall when I was very little. All I remember is that the security guard found me by the fish tanks in Sears.
63. I adored my Aunt R (my grandmother's baby sister) and Uncle C and used to beg my parents to go over to their house.
64. Conversely, my Aunt V always made me uncomfortable and I used to beg to stay home when we were going to their house, despite the fact that I loved my Uncle L (my mom's middle brother, who was 12 years older than her).
65. Aunt V thought it was OK to give me old catalogs, crappy comics, and the plastic "eggs" that L'eggs pantyhose used to come in for Christmas, while she gave her grandchildren all kinds of brand new toys. At first I was naive enought not to know that was wrong, but even when I did I still told her wonderful the "gifts" were.
66. What she didn't know was that Uncle L always slipped me money every time he saw me.
67. Uncle L also bought me a typewriter in 10th grade so my chemistry teacher wouldn't take point off for my bad handwriting.
68. He never would have admitted it since I was a girl, but he was proud of the fact that I was the first on that side of the family go to college.
69. Even when I am being all emotionally vulnerable, it's hard to come up with 100 things.
70. I once ran myself over with a 15 passenger van.
71. I still have a lump on my leg, 13 years later.
72. I didn't realize until I moved to Louisiana that food was actually supposed to have flavor.
73. Not all food in Louisiana is mouth-burning hot.
74. But having said that, don't eat the potatoes or mushrooms at a crawfish boil. I learned that the hard way.
75. The tomb they used to put on the back altar of my church in Pittsburgh on Good Friday really creeped me out.
76. The risen Jesus they put there on Easter creeped me out even more.
77. Another secret fantasy of mine is to one day have a really good mattress topped by ridiculously high thread count sheets.
78. I'm a texture slut. I've bought sweaters I don't really like before just because they were soft. When I was little, I used to embarrass my mom because I would hike up my skirts so that I could finger the silky slip underneath.
79. I still do that on the rare occassions I wear a slip, but I've learned to be more discreeet.
80. It is very hard for me to ask for help with anything. Ever.
81. It is very hard for me to accept help when it is offered.
82. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think that needing help is a sign of failure.
83. However, I don't think other people are failures when they ask me for help.
84. I would really like to own a brand new car.
85. I could get my life on track financially (and then some) if I had $50K.
86. Getting my life on track in other respects is a whole 'nother story.
87. I sometimes wish I had the guts to go to an African American church.
88. I think Finding Nemo is one of the most spiritual movies ever made.
89. I hated the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I feel guilty for admitting that because it was the kind of movie I should like.
90. I wish I had gone to grad school right after I finished college.
91. I always wondered what my life would be like if I had spent grades 1-8 in public school.
92. The first time I realized that I was an introvert was 2nd grade. All the girls in my class were busy forming little circles and talking on the playground at recess. I was perfectly content to stand along the permiter of the playground and just watch. My teacher tried to make them include me, but I always ended up on the outside of the circle - they literally closed me out of the ciricle.
93. I'm an INFP, according to Myers-Briggs.
94. I'm an off the scale I, and a boderline F.
95. My favorite thing to have for dinner is mashed potatoes and corn and broccoli. If I could get enough protein from that, I'd never eat anything else.
96. I once ran over a stop sign at a grocery store shopping center in Erie. I got two flat tires, but I never told anyone why.
97. If I let myself, I could eat Swedish Fish until I made myself sick.
98. Mum made the best cranberry sauce ever. She would make three or four big molds every holiday, including Easter and my birthday (she bought the cranberries in teh winter and froze them). She, my Uncle L and myself (and my grandmother when whe was alive) could make a meal out of just cranberry sauce.
99. As hard as I try, I just don't particularly care about football. I love the Steelers, though.
100. I can't believe I reached a hundred.

And as a bonus

101. It took me almost two hours to write this list.

Thanksgiving

So I suppose I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm relatively healthy (if a little insane), relatively safe, and relatively stable (again, except for the occasional depressive episode and panic attack). Life could be worse, I suppose.

I had chicken cordon bleu (out of a box) for dinner tonight, along with broccoli and cornbread dressing. Didn't eat much of the dressing, though - it was way too moist. I'll stick in a frying pan tomorrow and cook off some of the moisture. I like my stuffing dry, thank you very much.

I made apple brown betty for dessert. I had some leftover apples sitting in brown sugar and apple juice, so I threw them in a pan with a little butter and made a caramel apple sauce. So good.

So I saw this meme on someone's blog - I'm too lazy to link or credit - and I present it to you now.

Take the month and day of your birth and look up that verse in each of the four gospels.

Matthew 5:13 - "You are the salt of the earth. But if salt loses its taste, with what can it be seasoned? It is no longer good for anything but to be thrown out and trampled under foot."

Mark 5:13 - And he let them, and the unclean spirits came out and entered the swine. The herd of about two thousand rushed down a steep bank and into the sea, where they were drowned.

Luke 5:13 - Jesus stretched out his hand, touched him, and said, "I do will it. Be made clean." And the leprosy left him immediately.

John 5:13 - The man who was healed did not know who it was, for Jesus had slipped away, since there was a crowd there.

I find it interesting that all but the first quote are in the context of a healing, and the first one is one of my favorite verses.

God is funny like that, I guess.

The Details

So we flew to Atlanta this week for a one day meeting. Got to fly first class on they way. It was nice, but not nice enough to suddenly make me not hate flying.

This past Monday, I got officially promoted to project manager. What that means is that I'll do most of the stuff I was already doing, give up some of the stuff I hated, and get a raise of $5000. That's nice

You know, I should be thrilled with that. It should have been celebration worthy. But all I can say is "that's nice."

It makes me sad that I can't get excited about good stuff anymore, and that my brain seems to be caught in a perpetual game of "my life would be so much better if only I would have..."

Sigh.

I Get to Fly First Class Today!

And oh yeah, I got promoted.

No Big Shock Here...

You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts)

You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced. You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

I Have a New Favorite Tea

I've been a Darjeeling person for a long time now. But last night on a whim, I bought 1001 Nights tea from the Origianl Ceylon Tea Company. I made some this morning, and it is really, really good. It's strong, but not overwhelming, and there is just a little hint of strawberry. And I didn't need to use much sugar with it, certainly less than I ususally do.

Just thought I'd share...

Just Checking In...

Letting everyone who cares know that I am still here, marginally all right, and relatively sane (though every online screening I've done says that I'm probably moderately to severely depressed...).

I'm not mad at that guy anymore. It occurred to me this week that the whole business world is brand new to him. He's used to the world of academia, where research projects go on for years, and findings aren't reported until they are absolutely ready. In business, the pressure to produce under deadline is huge, and sometimes the deadlines are pretty damned near impossible. He'll learn eventually.

My NaNovel is coming along nicely. I have about 4300 words. I don't stress about word count the way most wrimos do, though. I just use this as an excuse to commit to daily writing. If I make it, great, if not, that's OK too.

Unfortunately, some folks take things way too seriously. We had a supposedly friendly competition going on with Macon, GA for highest average word count per person. Some nasty things were said to one of our folks by someone in GA, and someone in BR got mad about people with low word counts signing up for the challenge and "diluting" the efforts of the high word count people.

I hate competition.

And Let Me Just Say...

...that it makes me absolutely insane that the person I have to keep re-explaining things to is a PhD and makes twice what I do.

I'm done ranting now. I'm going home to take Advil and eat rice.

OK. I Admit...

That I sometimes get proprietary about projects I'm given. OK. I even admit that I always get proprietary about projects that I am given.

But when something I actually liked doing was taken away from me today, I was very cooperative. I explained everything over, and over, and over again to our new statistician.

But forgive me for saying this - I'm ticked off that he just as much as implied that I somehow screwed up the downloaded table. I didn't touch the downloaded table. I didn't change numbers or manipulate it in any way. The database that I downloaded was fine.

But no, he has to download it for himself, just to prove that the numbers I told him came straight from the source actually were right numbers.

I am fit to be tied, and angry enough to spit right now.