Tuesday, December 27, 2005

You Know What I Think?

I think it is patently unfair to make someone with an anxiety disorder wait more than a week for the results of medical tests that could potentially indicate that something is seriously wrong with them.

I'm just saying.

Don't worry about me, those of you who know me. I'm not going to say anything about any possibilities until I know something for sure. It's probably nothing, and I've picked my cuticles bloody for no good reason (I do that instead of biting my nails - maybe I should go back to doing that instead). Nevertheless, I'm genuinely worried, and the wait is just about killing me.

Still, I know that all I can do is put it in God's hands, and trust that God will handle it even when I can't.

So, if y'all could give a holler to the deity of your choice on my behalf, I'd appreciate it.

Oh, and for all you English majors out there - here is the best part of your degree. I was just watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" and there was a question about what meter Dr. Seuss wrote most of his books in. I correctly correctly identified it as anapestic tetrameter.

Yeah. That's a great use of a bachelor's degree.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Quick Note

I've got lots of stuff to write about, though most of it isn't good. I'm not going to write right now, however. I want to wait until I know more about a particular situation.

If I don't get back before Christmas, have a Happy one.

Thursday, December 08, 2005


So, today I had therapy. It is very weird to write that.

In the hour I was there, we came to the conclusion that I have a pleasing people thing. I just want to make people happy in general, and happy with me specifically. And I have an overwhelming fear of rejection.

The therapist asked me to identify where I think that is rooted, and I couldn't pinpoint it. I can tell you various moments in my life, dating all the way back to preschool(!) when I kind of...retreated...further away from people each time I was rejected. And each of those times I seemed to try harder and harder to not do something to stand out, to push myself into the background, and to please people by being low-maintenance.

I've been trapped so long in the pattern of putting other people's needs ahead of my own that I don't quite have any idea how not to do that.

Perfect example. I wasn't planning to go to the company Christmas party tomorrow. I have a doctor's appointment, and social things like that always make me uncomfortable (yes, I am an introvert, as we previously discussed). But as I discovered that there were more people I know going than I thought, I thought about changing my mind. But low and behold, I find out that by boss's boss can't find a sitter. So what do I do? I volunteer to watch her kids. So while everyone is out partying and drinking on the company's dime, I'll be watching Disney movies, coloring, and otherwise twiddling my thumbs.

I am stupid.

Ok. I am not stupid. I had to learn how to counter that particular negative thought today. I'm intelligent and competant. I just don't feel that way a lot of the time.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Quick Note

I go through periods where I tend to try to fix everything in my life all at once. This is not only not possible, but it also is incredibly unhealthy. I know this but I do it anyway.

So, this is just a note to say that if you hear me (well, read me) write anything about graduate school any time in the next...three months or so, smack me. Hard.

Thank you.

I'm Here

That's about all I can say about today.

I'm trying to be more aware of what I'm thinking and feeling lately. And I had a revelation. I have an overwhelming need to please people. There is a big part of me who wants just to make people happy, whatever that takes, and feels guilty when people aren't happy, even if it's something I have no control over and, in fact, have nothing to do with. But, by the same token, I don't think that other people need to do things to make me happy, or make my life more pleasant.

I know that's screwed up thinking. But I have no idea how to fix it. Maybe this therapy thing will help. Maybe drugs will help.


Saturday, December 03, 2005


I sometimes envy the medical coding specialists I work with. It's like they can speak a whole other language. When somebody says 434.91, they immediately think "CVA". They throw around V57.1 and 781.2 the way most people say blue or air.

It also depersonalizes medicine. It's no longer a person with an illness, just a number.

Sometimes I think it's easier that way.

That number in the title? That's apparently why I've been a little...erratic lately. I wish it were just a number.

Yeah, I did something completely out of character and actually sought help. Apparently, I have generalized anxiety disorder.

I have to say I was surprised by that. I was expecting depression, but not that. I don't think of myself as an anxious person. I've always thought I was terribly laid back, perhaps even too laid back. But as the therapist explained the symptoms to me,a nd why he thought I fit that criteria, I had to admit to myself that he was spot on. I just didn't realize how...tense I had been, and how anxious I tended to be because it was just such a pattern in my life, and probably has been since I was a little kid. The way I obsess over small mistakes. The way I never think anything I do is good enough. The way I never think I'm good enough. I've had those thought patterns for so long that they've just become a part of who I am. It took someone who hasn't known me forever to point out to me just how screwed up my outlook on life and myself had become.

The therapist also said that either underlying or accompanying the anxiety is a certain amount of depression. He said it's kind of like a chicken and egg thing; there's probably no telling which came first, but now they just feed each other. Lovely.

He also said that it's a good thing I'm seeing my primary care doctor this week. He said drugs might be a good thing. That idea scares me, too. There's a really long and strong history of addiction on both sides of my family. There haven't been many who have been able to avoid it.

{sigh} I wish it were all so simple as changing a few numbers.