Sunday, July 01, 2007

Sigh. I've said it before and I'll say it again - my church really needs to move services to 11:05 instead of 11. I was a minute late again today, and as a result, I didn't go. Something from my childhood prevents me from going into church anythig less than right-on-time. If I were still doing the therapy thing, I might look at that. But I'm not so I won't - at least right now.

I miss my computer. I hope it gets fixed soon. My old computer is annoying me. I didn't realize just how slow my old computer is. That is why I am typing this at the office. Well, that and the fact the company pays for the air conditioning here, as opposed to me paying at home. It's another blistering day.

So, here are my final thoughts on the reunion weekend.

TG made an interesting point about being a different person, but retaining...something...that made her still recognizable. That was pretty much my reaction, too.

See, there is no doubt that I am a different person than I was 13 years ago. Lot's of life experience plays into that. I faced the death of my last parent, being on the verge of being homeless (I never wrote about that, and don't know that I ever will), had jobs and lost jobs, had my faith challenged, and moved half a country away. And that's just the big stuff.

I'm not even the same person I was when I moved five years ago. My years at the CCC (well, year and a half) had a profound affect on me, as I faced for the economic discrimination for the first time. Not to mention my time at my former company, where I thought I had a real career but was just kidding myself.

I've grown more liberal, more outgoing (honest, I have!), and more...something I don't have a word for.

I think that's where a lot of my anxiety over that weekend came from. I stressed over what people would think of me as I am now. But you know, that was a waste of energy. Even though everyone was different, they were simultaneously the same. And I was, too.

I think that's a pretty remarkable thing. No matter the distance, no matter the circumstances, no matter the changes, something always remains constant. That's pretty amazing to me. God truly does good work.

I mentioned before that I don't think I could live in Pittsburgh again. On further reflection, I stand by that. It is still a great city, and I still think I'm going back in the fall. But something felt...unlivable about it - ironic for America's Most Livable City. I don't know that I can define what exactly it was that made it feel that way. Perhaps it's just the haze of memory that hover's over the city where I spent most of my life. Some of it is good stuff, but a lot of it is bad. It's the place where I learned alot of those negative thinking patterns that led to anxiety and depression. I learned to put my needs behind the needs of everyone else, to an unhealthy extreme. I learned that what is an acceptable level of achievement for other people isn't good enough for me. And I learned that my only real value to people was as something to be used when needed, acknowledged when convenient, and ignored otherwise.

I didn't realize that all that stuff was lurking below the surface until I went back there as a tourist. But it is, and for me to be a relatively well-adjusted adult, I don't think I can be someplace where I can encounter those things just around any corner. That is what I meant when I said I feel like I've outgrown the city.

I'm glad that we are planning to make the reunion weekend an annual thing. I lost touch with so many people after college, partially because I had other things to deal with (my mother's decline and death, mostly), and partially because it was such a pain to write a paper letter or so expensive to make a long-distance phone call. And partially, too, because I tend to give up if I write to or call someone a couple times in a row and they don't reply back (not that that applies to anyone in this group - that's more of a high school thing). I hope we can all stay in better touch now. Despite what I said above, I miss those ties to my former life.

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