Monday, July 12, 2004

Too tense to title

I'm sitting here crying right now because my dream job is staring me in the face, I stood a good chance of getting it, and now I think I'm about to mess it up.

The job is teaching English in an alternative school for kids who are bright, but have emotional challenges. The school has 30 students in grades 8-12. The program the school's director has designed is really innovative and incorporates a lot of cutting edge research. His philosophy just deeply impresses me, and I think working there would be the chance of a lifetime.

I've been corresponding with the director over the past few days and today he asked me to fax him my resume, transcripts, and letters of reference. The resume and transcript are easy, but I have no pre-written letters of recommendation. The ones from my student teaching vanished in my move, and I never bothered with getting others. I have references, but I'm scared to death to ask them for an actual letter. What if they don't want to be bothered? What if they just laugh me out of the room (or out of cyberspace, as the case may be)? I'm so afraid that I'm going to give up on this position because I'm afraid to ask for letters.

GAH! I'm just so messed up right now. I feel like I'm whining, but since no one is listening, I suppose it doesn't matter. I'm just terrified in general right now. I know that If I don't find a teaching position (or something else) the company I'm working for now will offer me a job. But I don't think I can make ends meet for what they will pay me, and I know I can't have any job satisfaction. I'm just feeling like I have about as much worth as the wasp I smushed outside my door when I got home tonight. I don't know what's wrong with me.

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