Thursday, July 01, 2004


I've decided that I'm going to abandon this whole job search thing, roll up my sleeping bag, grab a few changes of clothes, and find a nice underpass to live under. I can't decide if I would be better off or not.

I'm tired of writing cover letters. I'm tired of looking at job websites. I'm tired of all of it. The only thing this whole mess has succeeded in doing is making me realize just how incompetant and worthless I really am. If I could get just one interview - just one. On the positive side, my new resume format seems to be getting a little more attention than the old one. I switched from a format that was basically chronological to a functional one. It's supposed to highlight your skills more, but when you don't have any to highlight, what's the purpose?

I'm pretty sure I'm actually, really, depressed. I have most of the symptoms. Problem is, when you don't have insurance, you can't get help. Heck, I can barely afford to pay my rent, truth be told. It's ramen noodles for me for the next week. I thought that phase of my life was supposed to be over by the time I turned 33.

This whole St. Al's CCC thing just really bothers me still. I can't leave it behind. It bothers me that things had to end that way. And it bothers me that they hired some kid fresh out of college in my place. And it absolutely galls me that he will probably succeed where I didn't because he is a favorite son of the parish. And St. Al's is, after all, a members-only establishment. While they may have to put interlopers on the official membership roles, they aren't really welcome. Just a token minority in their little club.

Gosh, I'm getting bitter in my old age. Must be the depression. I never used to be like that. I never used to hold grudges. I never obsessed about injustices, real or perceived. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I never should have left Pittsburgh. I'd give anything to go back, but I can't. I don't have anyone there. I don't have anyone here. I'm all alone and I hate it and I can't do anything about it. It's just not fair.


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