Tuesday, October 25, 2005


I was off work today. My boss made me take off after I couldn't control my crying on the phone with her last night. Today was so hard to get through with nothing to do. One of my co-workers called me and I cried on the phone to her as well. She said she'd call back later to check on me. She never did. Nor did my boss who said she'd call today. I don't know what it is about me that keeps people from caring about me for more than a few minutes.

You know, that's really not a fair thing for me to say. It's frustration calling more than anything. Most people, when they are in a tough situation turn to their family or significant others. I don't have either of those things. I have no one.

I admit that sometimes I really resent God. Oh, I'm not shallow enough to buy into that reward/retribution theology that says that God rewards those who do his will and punishes those that don't. And I never bought that platitude that says that says that God never gives us more than we can handle. I know God didn't cause my accident.

No, I resent God for taking my parents away when I was so young. I was barely an adult, and all of a sudden, I was completely on my own. There was no weaning like most people get to experience. And the rest of my family did nothing to support me through all the crap I endured after my dad and mom died. I faced everything on my own.

I know that I brought it on myself. I'm not a particularly open person. I never have been, because I discovered early on that you get hurt when you leave yourself vulnerable. It isn't easy for me to depend on other people, because beyond my parents, I never had anyone I could depend on. I just wish that I did have someone on whose shoulder I could cry when stuff like this happens.

I'm whining. I know it. And I know my resentment of God is misplaced. But nonetheless, I all really wanted to do today was to kneel on the floor and put my head on my mother's lap like I used to when I needed comfort. I longed to feel her fingers carding through my hair, imparting comfort with every stroke. I wanted to hear voice, and feel her stomach move as she laughed. For one day, I just wanted to be someone's kid, and have someone take care of me.

But I'll never have that again.

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