Monday, August 16, 2004

Have I mentioned lately that I hate myself?

No? Only because I haven't written in a month. And what a month it has been.

Last night, the guy in CT offered me the job, and now I'm not sure I want it. I was supposed to call him by noon today, but I haven't yet because I just can't face up to the fact that I'm about 90% sure I don't. The problem is that I just can't trust my own judgment, since I have such a wonderful track record in the decisions I've made.

So here are the pros:

  • I could be making a real difference in the lives of some kids who need someone to make a difference.
  • I would have control over what I teach (long term pro...short term con - more in a moment).
  • I would be teaching.
  • I'd have benefits.
  • Connecticut is really beautiful.

And here are the cons:

  • I would have 9 days to pack my life and move.
  • I'd have to start completely over for the second time in two years.
  • My car needs brake work and I'm currently driving without insurance (shh...don't tell).
  • The cost of living in lovely Connecticut is absolutely insanely high.
  • I would have control over what I teach (and considering I would have about two weeks from today to have first quarter planned out for 5 different classes, that is a con).
  • I'm not sure I'm in the proper emotional/psychological state to be dealing with emotionally fragile kids - would frustration push me deeper into depression?
  • The school is basically a start-up company. It's been in existance for a year, and it doesn't have state approval yet. How do I know I won't be out of work and alone again in two years?
  • I'd have to have a roommate if I moved there. I haven't lived with anyone since college, and I really don't fancy living with someone I don't know.
  • Something I can't name, something deep inside, is telling me that accepting this job would be a Bad Thing. Complete with the capital letters. I just feel like if I accept this job I will lose myself. Do I sound like enough of a drama queen?

So there's the list. You would think that it would be pretty obvious from that what my decision should be, huh? The problem is that I just don't trust myself right now. And that is a big problem. If I can't make a decision like this, what about other things? I've been agonizing over this for two days now. Of course, I've also been agonizing over what I should have for dinner, what I should read, and what I should watch on TV.

In an e-mail to a friend yesterday, I said that it's times like ths that I hate the fact that my parents are no longer around. Granted, they'd tell me it's my decision, but they would support me no matter what I decided. The would also tell me if I was being foolish, or if my concerns were valid. I even told my friend that at times like this I resent people who do have their parents to rely on. I don't begrudge them their parents, but I resent the fact that they have them and I don't. Is that stupid considering I'm 33 years old? I just never had my parents around as an adult. I never got to discuss things with them as one adult to another. Instead, I had to have medical and financial power of attorney for my mother right after I graduated college and I got to make funeral arrangements all by myself. God, I was just too young for that. I never got to be a carefree twenty-something.

And people wonder why I'm bitter sometimes.

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